Emotional Blast
It was a complete complex feeling.
I feel like I been complaining very much in the relationship - "Guilty"
I feel like I been very emotional in handling conflict. I tend to victimize myself. - FML
I feel like it has reach the top of my bottle - "Angry"
I feel like I don't deserve to be ignored when i express my feeling, yet, I still being ignored - "Disappointed"
I feel like I am not being understand by someone who called him honey - "Hurtful"
I feel like I am not perfect enough to be with him - "Sad"
All the mixed and complex feelings rushed in my mind, my heart and my emotion totally out of control.
I shoo out all my feelings by typing it out to show how angry, how hurt, how dissapointed, how sad I am. But i realised, it was merely on my side emotion, because after typing sooo much, I was being totally ignored. That make me even hurt and dissapointed.
To a certain extend that I wish i could put a fullstop to this relationship and be as ignorant as he is, how many times that the word "lets' breakup" almost slipped out from my fingers... I typed but i removed it, because experiences told me, once it is sent out, and the ignorant from another side remain, the whole 2 years of relationship is GONE.
I stop and think. Then i realised, I have out of words to explain my emotions anymore. Is literally i dont know what else I can tell anymore, to be someone priority. All the memories flowing in, all the ups and downs... It reminds me why i insist not to even mention the word of "breaking up" throughout the whole relationship yet at this point of time, i let my emotion control me and say smtg that i might (or might not) regret in future?
I reminded myself, what else should i ask for?
He is good. He is at the same channel as I am.
He talks my language.
He has my dreams.
Just that...
I wish he could :-
> express more emotion instead of ignorant
> care more about my feeling instead of ignorant
> take me as priority at all times (i know, it has been. but sometime i choose to step down because i know he is in difficult position, but girls being girls, i dont mind to step down but at least show me some care ? like a word? a sentence?)
> know how to tackle my mimimama emotions (which everyone couldn't...)
> more as patience as he is like how he was last time (he never raised his voice to me, he talked nicely to me... he never show me any temper... but i guess i have forced him to the stage where talking nice to me will only get a slap on the face...)
It is nothing wrong for him to snap someone else photos nicer than mine... it is really nothing wrong to be honest. It is just because Im unhappy because for all the times, im the ugly bitch in all the photos that he took that make me feel why am i always not the perfect one for him? and everyone in his eyes are so perfect and so god level? but not me? why am i making him so stress to take my photos?
then i realised, it is because im born tanned, i gained weight which i tried so hard to lose yet nothing significant shown. I feel so ugly beside him and in his eyes, especially when he definition of "pretty" and "cute" is somehow correct for me. I dont fall within that definition, I lost the feeling of secure to be with him. Because of my bad temper, i know one day he will fed up with me.
To be honest, all these emotions tend to grow in me is because im afraid of losing him. How many times that i day dreaming that we get married? we have children? we live our life together as husband and wife? everything seem so real to me... but i do not know whether i can appreciate him enough to make this dream come true?
I am someone who is very ego. My ego-ness might even be greater than a guy. Im also someone who tend to spill out words that i shouldnt at times when Im emotional.
I wanted to delete all my emotional conversations that i typed. i even want to erase everything about "u together with her, she suit u more" shitty words. I typed in emotion. I tried so hard to calm down myself when i dont get the respond. I deleted parts that i can. I wish i could also erase everything, then i realised, i cant, i cant just be like nothing happen because my egoness has gone so high up. I typed this out because i know he is not going to do anything, so might as well just express everything out and act nothing? (i wish i can...)
Learning so much about myself and controlling myself.
I know most probably i wont get any "caring" / "lovely words" / "is okay, i still love you" kind of words from him. He might has reached his peak of emotion to handle the crazy emotional of mine today.
I knew he is in bus, he is someone who has car sick. so at the moment when i calm down, i typed " ignore the msgs i sent". little that i know, he thinks that im being demanding for reply again. But what i can do? swallowing all this to myself. before i calm down, i blocked him at msger (lol childish sial)... i calm down myself and i unblock (fml, syok sendiri) -_-, then i said fine, lets just be good... and express all these fuck up emotions in blog. When i received the msg with lots of !!!!, it really hurt me, but.... ahh, i cause this, dont I?
Lets cool down for today. dont think we able to have a nice talk after all this roller coaster.
*rolling to the corner and pat myself* wish to say with tears, mickey... i miss you ): can i have a hug and someone to rub my tears off now? );
p/s
I actually wish i could have all the 1st time with him. but i cant. i cant be with him at times when he is excited with snow, excited with cold weather, excited with flight... i just cant. and i believe this is one of the factor that lead to all the emotions? because im not the one sharing it with him, but it was someone else. guess that make jealousy double and triple up. it became worse when i could only get his update from someone else posts, and not him sharing his excitement with me. ah, mixed feeling. FML. like i always said, im someone who be very possession.
Understand me?
Situation 1)
when i pull someone out (that i know important to you) at a conversation when ask me smtg :: it means im trying to get your attention. I wish you could tell me "no, u are much more important than all of them... you are on rank 1..."
Siatuation 2)
When i repeatedly say smtg which i know it could annoyed you :: it means im trying to hint that pls do not do it. coz it bothers it.
Situation 3)
When i suddenly emotional and refuse to talk :: it means pls talk to me. i need a hug and words to comfort me.
Situation 4)
When i insist dont do this, dont do that, dont send me your update :: pls dont do that, i might not read it at that moment when the fire is on going but i definitely dnt mean dont send me and ignore me.
Situation 5)
When I tell you i cried :: yes, i cried. Pls say smtg / at least ask me am i ok.Tell me you understand my feeling and how you understand it.
Situation 6)
When I angry and walk away. dont show any sign of me being able to calm down. :: my emotion come and go fast. for most of the time, im not angry anymore, but just the ego dont go, so i need someone to let me step down.
Situation 7)
When i say i sleep dy at odd hours :: it means im not happy. talk to me!
Situation 8)
When i say whatever.. up to you:: it means i wish you listen to me...
situation 9 )
When I said, u listen to what they say lo... they more clever / they know better :: it means, why u dnt listen to me? i also know about it. (p/s especially justnow when i dy analyse so much, and the ended decision that you dont buy is because your boss say no... that actually pick the fire in me. as if i talk so much like no use, talk to syok myself.
I always want to be the priority and i wish people listen to me, and understand me and to be at the same page as im. It is as simple as that.
I feel like I been complaining very much in the relationship - "Guilty"
I feel like I been very emotional in handling conflict. I tend to victimize myself. - FML
I feel like it has reach the top of my bottle - "Angry"
I feel like I don't deserve to be ignored when i express my feeling, yet, I still being ignored - "Disappointed"
I feel like I am not being understand by someone who called him honey - "Hurtful"
I feel like I am not perfect enough to be with him - "Sad"
All the mixed and complex feelings rushed in my mind, my heart and my emotion totally out of control.
I shoo out all my feelings by typing it out to show how angry, how hurt, how dissapointed, how sad I am. But i realised, it was merely on my side emotion, because after typing sooo much, I was being totally ignored. That make me even hurt and dissapointed.
To a certain extend that I wish i could put a fullstop to this relationship and be as ignorant as he is, how many times that the word "lets' breakup" almost slipped out from my fingers... I typed but i removed it, because experiences told me, once it is sent out, and the ignorant from another side remain, the whole 2 years of relationship is GONE.
I stop and think. Then i realised, I have out of words to explain my emotions anymore. Is literally i dont know what else I can tell anymore, to be someone priority. All the memories flowing in, all the ups and downs... It reminds me why i insist not to even mention the word of "breaking up" throughout the whole relationship yet at this point of time, i let my emotion control me and say smtg that i might (or might not) regret in future?
I reminded myself, what else should i ask for?
He is good. He is at the same channel as I am.
He talks my language.
He has my dreams.
Just that...
I wish he could :-
> express more emotion instead of ignorant
> care more about my feeling instead of ignorant
> take me as priority at all times (i know, it has been. but sometime i choose to step down because i know he is in difficult position, but girls being girls, i dont mind to step down but at least show me some care ? like a word? a sentence?)
> know how to tackle my mimimama emotions (which everyone couldn't...)
> more as patience as he is like how he was last time (he never raised his voice to me, he talked nicely to me... he never show me any temper... but i guess i have forced him to the stage where talking nice to me will only get a slap on the face...)
It is nothing wrong for him to snap someone else photos nicer than mine... it is really nothing wrong to be honest. It is just because Im unhappy because for all the times, im the ugly bitch in all the photos that he took that make me feel why am i always not the perfect one for him? and everyone in his eyes are so perfect and so god level? but not me? why am i making him so stress to take my photos?
then i realised, it is because im born tanned, i gained weight which i tried so hard to lose yet nothing significant shown. I feel so ugly beside him and in his eyes, especially when he definition of "pretty" and "cute" is somehow correct for me. I dont fall within that definition, I lost the feeling of secure to be with him. Because of my bad temper, i know one day he will fed up with me.
To be honest, all these emotions tend to grow in me is because im afraid of losing him. How many times that i day dreaming that we get married? we have children? we live our life together as husband and wife? everything seem so real to me... but i do not know whether i can appreciate him enough to make this dream come true?
I am someone who is very ego. My ego-ness might even be greater than a guy. Im also someone who tend to spill out words that i shouldnt at times when Im emotional.
I wanted to delete all my emotional conversations that i typed. i even want to erase everything about "u together with her, she suit u more" shitty words. I typed in emotion. I tried so hard to calm down myself when i dont get the respond. I deleted parts that i can. I wish i could also erase everything, then i realised, i cant, i cant just be like nothing happen because my egoness has gone so high up. I typed this out because i know he is not going to do anything, so might as well just express everything out and act nothing? (i wish i can...)
Learning so much about myself and controlling myself.
I know most probably i wont get any "caring" / "lovely words" / "is okay, i still love you" kind of words from him. He might has reached his peak of emotion to handle the crazy emotional of mine today.
I knew he is in bus, he is someone who has car sick. so at the moment when i calm down, i typed " ignore the msgs i sent". little that i know, he thinks that im being demanding for reply again. But what i can do? swallowing all this to myself. before i calm down, i blocked him at msger (lol childish sial)... i calm down myself and i unblock (fml, syok sendiri) -_-, then i said fine, lets just be good... and express all these fuck up emotions in blog. When i received the msg with lots of !!!!, it really hurt me, but.... ahh, i cause this, dont I?
Lets cool down for today. dont think we able to have a nice talk after all this roller coaster.
*rolling to the corner and pat myself* wish to say with tears, mickey... i miss you ): can i have a hug and someone to rub my tears off now? );
p/s
I actually wish i could have all the 1st time with him. but i cant. i cant be with him at times when he is excited with snow, excited with cold weather, excited with flight... i just cant. and i believe this is one of the factor that lead to all the emotions? because im not the one sharing it with him, but it was someone else. guess that make jealousy double and triple up. it became worse when i could only get his update from someone else posts, and not him sharing his excitement with me. ah, mixed feeling. FML. like i always said, im someone who be very possession.
Understand me?
Situation 1)
when i pull someone out (that i know important to you) at a conversation when ask me smtg :: it means im trying to get your attention. I wish you could tell me "no, u are much more important than all of them... you are on rank 1..."
Siatuation 2)
When i repeatedly say smtg which i know it could annoyed you :: it means im trying to hint that pls do not do it. coz it bothers it.
Situation 3)
When i suddenly emotional and refuse to talk :: it means pls talk to me. i need a hug and words to comfort me.
Situation 4)
When i insist dont do this, dont do that, dont send me your update :: pls dont do that, i might not read it at that moment when the fire is on going but i definitely dnt mean dont send me and ignore me.
Situation 5)
When I tell you i cried :: yes, i cried. Pls say smtg / at least ask me am i ok.Tell me you understand my feeling and how you understand it.
Situation 6)
When I angry and walk away. dont show any sign of me being able to calm down. :: my emotion come and go fast. for most of the time, im not angry anymore, but just the ego dont go, so i need someone to let me step down.
Situation 7)
When i say i sleep dy at odd hours :: it means im not happy. talk to me!
Situation 8)
When i say whatever.. up to you:: it means i wish you listen to me...
situation 9 )
When I said, u listen to what they say lo... they more clever / they know better :: it means, why u dnt listen to me? i also know about it. (p/s especially justnow when i dy analyse so much, and the ended decision that you dont buy is because your boss say no... that actually pick the fire in me. as if i talk so much like no use, talk to syok myself.
I always want to be the priority and i wish people listen to me, and understand me and to be at the same page as im. It is as simple as that.
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